Babysitter
by InfraViolet
Summary: Okay, here s the deal : Envy is babysitting Ed. How is that possible and more importantly, what chaos will be unleashed ? Read and find out ! Envy x Ed Rated for language and twisted fantasies
1. Chapter 1

**Title** : Babysitter

**Pairings** : Ed x Envy snickers, Izumi x Sig, mentions of Al x Winry.

**Rating** : T ( because Ed swears a lot and Envy is a perverted psycho. It might go up though. It MIGHT. )

**Contains** : Humor, Insanity, Torture, and... Romance ( a very twisted kind of romance however... )

**Summary **: I think it´s easy to guess, Envy is babysitting Ed ! Oh, this is gonna be fun...

**Disclaimer** : I. Don´t. Own. Fullmetal. Alchemist. You wanna know what would happen if I did ?

* * *

**Chapter 1 : A disturbing torture fantasy come true.**

"_No... please... Envy... !"_

_The Homunculus´s cruel smirk widened upon hearing this delicious plea. Watching the prostrated figure laying down his feet with rapture, he bent down to his level and purred mockingly :_

"_Continue to beg, chibi-san, I __**love it **__when you do that..."_

_Trying to ignore the pain ravaging his body.__ Edward managed to lift his head up to look at Envy and shoot him a hateful, yet fearful glare. The shapeshifter chuckled, calmly raised his hand and slapped Ed brutally across the face. The young alchemist couldn´t help but yelp as his head was thrown backwards. Oh, what a wonderful sound..._

"_... Stop it... Ed whispered through his troubled breathing._

"_Why would I do that, chibi ? For the time I´ve been waiting for this to happen... you and I alone in a room... no one knows where you are. No one cares anyway. They probably won´t give a shit of your death when I´m done with you._

"_Shut up."_

_Interesting. The runt was still able to retort. This was going to make things even more... juicy. Envy grinned as an idea came to his mind._

_A white light surrounded his body. The next second, Trisha Elric was standing in front of Ed. When the Fullmetal realized what was happening, his eyes widened in horror._

"_No... no, don´t do that !_

"_You were such a terrible child, Edward, Trisha muttered sadly. Always yelling, always being so violent. You were nothing more than a pain to me. And to Alphonse..._

"_Envy, stop..."_

_« Trisha » punched him in the face before he could finish. He cried in pain as his nose broke ; a thick dribble of blood started flowing down his chin and on the floor. The Homunculus snickered._

"_At least this was one of the advantages for me to die, « she » continued, merciless, not having to stare at your pityful face anymore... unfortunately, Al..._

"_Nooo ! Onegai... Envy, stop this !"_

_He was crying now. The shapeshifter laughed. He would remember this day forever... finally..._

_He would break Ed._

"Envy..."

_Blood running down his childish face, as he beat his corpse over and over again, hearing the sweet sound of his bones crushing and his pleading..._

"Envy."

_Please, stop, please, I´ll do anything... just stop hurting me !_

_Oh yeah... yeah..._

Envy had his eyes closed, imagining satisfyingly the Fullmetal Alchemist´s golden eyes filled with fear... hearing his screaming...

Lust had been trying to lure his attention for a quite a while now. Losing her patience, she raised her hand and, without warning, extended her fingernails. The razor sharp blades leapt out and pierced through his right arm.

_This _finally managed to tear the green-haired Homunculus apart from his reverie.

"Aaaaah !

"Baka !"

Envy lost his balance on the chair and fell rudely to the ground, his arm bleeding plentifully. Behind Lust, Gluttony giggled like a six-year-old girl.

"He he ! Baka Envy ! Baka Envy !

"Shut up, you bastard !"

Lust just sighed in annoyance, showing no remorse for what she had just done. The bruises on Envy´s arm were already disappearing. But his anger was not. Getting up, he shot a glare at the black-haired woman, greeting his teeth. _How dare this bitch interrupt me in my favorite fantasy ?_

"What the hell were you thinking, Lust ?

"Good thing at least one of us can think, she retorted coldly. Envy, do you know what we are supposed to do right now ?"

The sin gazed around him. The three Homunculus were standing in a messed-up bedroom on the second floor of a wooden house. He yawned.

"Yeah, Dante sent us to kill an old alchemist.

"That´s all you remember ? Lust shook her head. We are also supposed to look into Eva Kruger´s documents to find the one she wrote about the Philosopher´s Stone, since her discoveries could endanger..."

_Bla bla bla... honestly, who cares ? _Envy surely didn´t. He didn´t give a damn of Dante´s goals. As long as it allowed him to torture those stupid humans, she could do whatever she wanted. He especially liked it when he had to tease Chibi-san... even if it was always more interesting in his head. Oh yeah...

"Lust, Envy is dreaming like a baka again !

"Envy, were you listening ?

"Nope", he replied nonchalantly.

"_Noooo ! Lust-sama, I am so sorry... I didn´t mean to upset you... forgive me, I am begging you..._

_Envy burst into hysterical tears as Lust´s eyes gleamed with jubilation. She let out a cruel chuckle and bent down, poking slightly the puffy pink dress into which Envy was currently trapped._

"_This dress looks so good on you, Envy... you look absolutely __**lovely**__. I´m sure Fullmetal Boy would agree with me."_

_To the poor Homunculus´s horror, the gorgeous woman stepped aside to reveal a hilarious Chibi-san. _

"_Jeez, Envy, I knew you were a transvestite, but still, a pink dress..._

"_NOOOOOO !"_

(A/N : Yeah, people, Lust has disturbing torture fantasies too. Actually, all Homunculus do. ( Except for Sloth, cuz she´s too lazy for that. )They just have different targets. Envy´s is Ed, Lust´s is Envy, Greed´s is Envy, etc... )

"Huh, Lust ?"

The dark-haired woman sighed as she relunctantly cast her delicious reverie aside. She would continue once the mission was over...

"Anyway, Envy... focus. Or at least _pretend_ to focus.

"It´s _boring_, he complained. Looking through stuff is just boring ! That old bitch better come soon so I can have some fun.

"_Fun_ ? Gluttony repeated stupidly.

"Yeah, fatty. _Fun_. (Seeing Gluttony didn´t seem to understand, Envy decided to use a less cryptic language.) Means I´m gonna snap her neck. Or maybe stab her through the chest. Or cut her throat. Still not sure..."

Gluttony started shaking his head.

"No no no. Gluttony´s hungry. Gluttony wants to eat the old lady.

"Then you´ll just do it once I´m done, baka !

"No no no. When you kill people after they are gross ! Gluttony can´t eat them. They smell like you.

"What the _hell_ ?"

Now, Lust didn´t have a soul, but she was so eager to become human that she liked to pretend she had one. So she decided to stop Envy before he could tear Gluttony to pieces by tearing _him _to pieces instead. This was called compassion in human world. And maybe also dark satisfaction, since Envy was her disturbing torture fantasy target. _Maybe if I look closely, I´ll find a pink dress in that mess..._

* * *

Once Envy was fully – painfully – regenerated, and after having copiously insulted the fat Homunculus – not Lust, because the wounds _and _reconstitution had been painful enough -, the three allies/mortal ennemies got back to searching the bedroom.

Envy had never dreamt so much to torture Chibi-san – hell, _anyone_ – in his entire, immortal life. Actually, he was close to feeling miserable.

Maybe what happened next was a gift from Heaven who took pity on him.

Or more likely Hell. But it didn´t really matter where the gift came from considering Envy was selfish, ungrateful and oblivious of those mystical religious concepts. Not that he would care about it...

_Anyway, _the only important thing to register right now is that the phone started ringing.

"Envy, the phone is ringing.

"No shit, Lust.

"Make it Lust-_sama_, you filthy little transvestite !

"... ?

"Huh, forget it. Just answer it.

"Why me ?

"You can take Eva Kruger´s voice and pretend to be her. It might be a friend of hers who is involved in her research, and it would be more prudent to..."

The phone was ringing too loudly for Envy to fall asleep. And he _hated_ that. With an exasperated growl and a few shocking curses, the green-haired palmtree-looking human imitation seized the phone and took the best old-lady´s voice he could manage.

"Good evening, Evy Keeger speaking...

"Excuse me ? Kruger-san ?"

Ignoring Lust´s frustrated expression, Envy started playing with the phone´s wire. _Jeez, who cares for the old bitche´s name ?_

Apparently, the woman calling did, so he replied casually :

"Yes, that´s me. Sorry, the line isn´t very good. Who is it ?

"Oh, alright... it´s Izumi Curtis, Kruger-san."

_Izumi Curtis..._

Sometimes, Envy´s memory was good enough for him to remember a name besides his. _Curtis... she was Dante´s student or something, and now she is Chibi-san´s teacher. People say she´s scary. Pff. Yeah right, she´s just a woman. And not a very smart one, since she created Wrath. _

"Ah, Izumi. It´s... nice to call, _dear_. May I... help you, or... well, help you with something ?

"Actually, yes. I know this is a lot to ask, but... I´m in need of a... babysitter."

Envy let go of the wire and frowned. A _babysitter ?_

"My husband and I must attend an alchemist´s conference this evening and... I wish you could take care of my student, Edward Elric. You see, he is... turbulent and I want to be sure that he won´t do anything he might... _regret_ while he´s alone at my house.

"Envy, who is it ?"

No response. Lust frowned and sighed in annoyance.

"Envy..."

"Kruger-san ? Are you still here ?"

No, he wasn´t.

Actually, Envy was _miles _from here_. _His amethyst eyes were gleaming in a way that would have frightened the two women to no end if they had seen it.

_Envy... have mercy, I beg of you..._

For you see, the Homunculus had another fantasy buried deep inside of him. A very _special _fantasy. A fantasy so _unbelievable _that he didn´t even dare dreaming about it. For he was sure that _this _would never happen.

He would had never _hoped _that this inaccessible dream would be offered to him – on a golden tray – by his chibi´s own teacher.

To be brief : Envy was currently in bliss and unavailable.

And we all know how _that_ ends up when Lust is around...

"_**Aiiiiiiiie**_ !

"Kruger-san ! What is going on ?

"Damn it. Uh, nothing, Izumi-san. My... cat just scratched me. I´ll have to do something about that.

"I´m sorry. So, are you available ?"

He nearly chuckled.

"What hour, Izumi-san ?

"Right now, if you can. I am leaving soon. And thank you again. I had trouble finding someone.

"You are welcome, my dear."

_I should be the one thanking you..._

He listened carefully while she reminded him of her adress and hung up. His pale face was distorted by the _huge _smirk on his lips.

"Envy, for the love of God, who..."

Lust stopped dead once she saw his expression. Her complexion paled and she couldn´t help but shudder. Gluttony started weeping and hid behind her.

"Envy... what...

"I gotta go.

"The mission..."

He didn´t even bother to reply as he stormed out, the sick smirk plastered on his face. For once, Lust didn´t even try to stop him.

_Screw Dante and her stupid mission. Tonight..._

He licked his lips, his eyes shining with sadism.

_Tonight... I´m babysitting Chibi-chan !_

* * *

Okay, first chapter done. So, here´s the deal : I love good reviews and I _can _accept bad reviews as long as it´s constructive criticism. Cuz guys, come on : _Your story sucks _is a little redundant, don´t you think ? ( What I mean is : those who leave that kind of review are complete morons. )

I´ll write the second chapter even if I don´t have much reviews, but it´ll be done much faster if I have encouragements... you know, we authors _love _that.

See ya people.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 : God really hates Ed.**

Izumi Curtis hung up the phone and turned around to give a triumphant smirk to a fuming Edward Elric.

"It´s arranged. Kruger-san will come and watch over you while we´re out.

"Sensei, you can´t do that ! I have to go to that reunion too !

"For the _last _time, Ed, no ! Dante´s organizing this for adults, not kids !

"I´m not a KID !

"Then stop whining !

"I´m not WHINING !"

Since Ed wouldn´t stop complaining like a small child ( whining ), Izumi decided to use one of her greatest weapons, the "I will fucking give you the worse ass-kicking of your life if you don´t shut the hell up" glare. You ever saw that glare ? Tell ya, it´s effective. Ed actually did shut up.

For a few seconds. ( That´s still quite a feat, Izumi. Your talent is to make people wet their pants by simply looking at them, and Ed´s is to have the biggest loud mouth in Amestris. Hell, the entire world. God I´m rambling again. Aw, so what, it´s my story. )

So anyway, Ed opened his mouth and sound started coming from it.

"You have no right to forbid me to go, Sensei, I am an alchemist too, and I need information !"

_Looks like my "I will give you the worse ass-kicking of your life if you don´t shut the hell up" glare is losing its efficiency. Damn it, I have to work on that..._

"...and I´m sixteen years old and I´m mature and you gotta stop treating me like a kid, I can stay at reunions late too ! It´s no fair, you never let me go out ! I always do everything you tell me, and still you won´t admit I´m an adult !

"For the love of God, Edward, grow up !

"See ? That´s what I meant ! I _have _grown up, Sensei ! Look at me !

"I´m losing patience, Edward. Do you want me to neutralize you so Kruger-san´s job will be easier ?"

(Now that would be cool and I´m sure you´d love the idea... muahaha... but come on, let´s be at least A LITTLE nice to Ed. Considering what he´ll have to endure later...)

"I can´t believe you´re getting an old hag to _babysit _me, he grumbled furiously.

"It´s for your own good, Ed, Izumi replied smirking. You leave me no other choice."

Not to mention that the idea itself was rather entertaining, she had to say.

"So why not get Al ? He could have stayed with me ! After all he didn´t need Winry to lubricate his amor necessarily tonight !"

...

...

...

Izumi stared at Ed.

(sound of someone coughing)

He frowned. "What ?"

_He actually bought that ?_

(Flashback)

"_Huh, Nii-san__ ?_

"_Yeah, Al ?_

"_I, er... I have to tell you something._

"_Yeah, sure, tell me._

"_Erm... er... hehe... well... you see... it´s just that..."_

_Alphonse lollopded from side to side, giggling nervously. Ed took a huge bite of his sandwich and looked at him, puzzled._

"_Jeez, what is it, Al ?_

"_Huh... Winry-ch__an needs to lubricate my armor soIllbewithhertonightisthatokay ?!"_

_..._

"_Huh, sure, Al._

"_THANKS YOU NII-SAN I KNEW YOU´D UNDERSTAND !_

"_You´re welcome Al... now... please let me go...(sound of Ed fainting from lack of oxygen)_

(End Flashback)

"You´re an idiot, Ed.

"Hey !"

* * *

One hour and a lot of whining later, the doorbell finally rang. Izumi sighed in relief. _Thank God I´m free._

And Edward scowled. _Fuck, I´m trapped._

Sig went to open the door and let his visitor in. Ed eyed her from the other side of the hall, his arms firmly crossed in what he knew was not a very cooperative attitude. An old woman in a red dress holding a big purse, just like any other old woman. She probably had tea and a dusty cat in there. _You gotta be kidding me._

"Kruger-san, thank you for coming. You are a true life-saver.

"You are quite welcome, my dear Izumi, it is my pleasure, believe me."

And to top it all, that sugary tone of voice, full of honneyed obsequiousness, got on his nerves the second it left her mouth. He didn´t exactly know why, but it did. _There´s no way that old hag is gonna look after me. The minute she goes in the kitchen to feed the cat, I´m outta here._

Izumi turned to Ed.

"I expect you to _behave_, Edward.

"Sure, he yawned.

"We´ll see how things went when we return. I trust you will obey Kruger-san and do everything she says."

The old lady had a strange smirk that vanished the second Izumi looked at her.

"We´ll be taking our leave now. Good luck, Kruger-san.

"Have a wonderful evening, my dear."

Izumi glared at Ed one last time to give good measure, then passed the door with Sig. Eva Kruger closed it behind them.

...

The old lady and the small alchemist faced it each other from the sides of the room like two cowboys about to draw their guns.

She spoke first.

"So, my dear young Edward..."

And she smirked.

"I trust you have heard your teacher correctly ? You are to obey everything I say to you."

He snorted.

"Is that so ? he replied in that same honeyed tone of hers. I´m afraid I do not remember such an order."

Her smirk grew wider and her eyes glittered in a strange way that made him slightly uncomfortable.

"Oh, it doesn´t matter because I do. And I am certain you _will _do as I say."

_Great, an old hag as well as a sadistic witch. Man, this is not my day._

Edward gave her his personal-nameless-glare ( I know, lame title, but let me assure you it works quite well too, although it cannot beat Izumi´s, of course. After all she is still his teacher... ) and smirked as well.

"Really ? Obviously you don´t know me very well, _lady_."

This time, she sniggered.

He frowned, feeling that something was wrong. "What the...

"Oh, I actually I know you very well, _Hagane no chibi-chan._"

Edward froze in place.

...

...

...

"_**No way in hell.**_

"Not yet."

Under Ed´s very (horrified) eyes, the old hag slowly morphed into the very person that could make his day worse : his arch nemesis and personal pain-in-the-ass, the green-haired Homunculus Envy.

Who was, at the current moment, wearing an evil smirk so _huge _it seemed to devour his pale face.

And so _terrifying _it instantly beat Izumi´s "I will fucking ... hell up" glare in Ed´s mind.

"_Envy_, he growled, while at the same time restraining from wetting his pants for the second time in two hours.

"_Chibi_", Envy replied grinning, completely ruining the western-like moment.

The diminutive alchemist ( hehe, he can´t hear me, can he ?) immediately took a fighting stance, since it was what he did – with good reason, mind you – everytime Envy appeared in the horizon. Seeing this, Envy raised an eyebrow.

"Wacha doing, Edo ?

"What does it look like ? You came here to fight, didn´t you ? To get the Philosopher´s stone or something ? Well get ready, bastard, cuz I´m gonna kick your ass !"

Envy raised his eyebrow so high it nearly touched his hair, which he could do easily, since he was a shapeshifter. It did look really weird though.

And he laughed, truly amused.

"I think we´ve proved a long time ago you´d be unable to kick my ass even if your life depended on it, Chibi...

"Shut up ! This time I _will _do it, Envy, quit fucking around !

"Jeez, beating you up sounds fun to me too, Edo, but that´s not what I´m here for."

Edward snorted. "Yeah, right.

"Why do you always think I´m only interested in fighting you, Chibi ? Envy sighed dramatically. I am so offended...

"Cut the crap, will ya ! Now tell me what you want."

Envy chuckled, playfully poking his nose.

"Edo-chan... I am here to do exactly what I came for."

...

"What the hell do you...

And he grinned, showing his sharp fangs, flames of pure evil and insane happiness burning in his violet eyes.

"I´ll be your _babysitter _tonight, Chibi-chan."

...

...

...

_God._

_**Why **__do you hate me so __**much ?**_

Well, it´s hard to say but I´m guessing it´s because you tried to revive your dead mother, created a Homunculus, performed alchemy and...

_Shut __**up.**_

* * *

Hope that second chapter was worth the wait, guys. I don´t really have an excuse for waiting so long aside from lots of parties, writers block and a pile of homework, not to mention laziness, of course. I´m leaving you with a cliffhanger ( muahahaha cough cough ) and my promise that the third chapter - the beginning of Edo´s torture -, will be good and fulfill all your own disturbing torture fantasies.

See ya !


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